To divorce or not to divorce may be the question, but the answer may not be yours to give. Unfortunately, if your spouse wants a divorce that is enough. Since the institution of no fault divorce a spouse may be thrown into a whirlwind of emotional, economic, and lifestyle changes without any recourse while his or her marriage ends. Today 45% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. It is 60%-70% for second marriages, and 70%-73% for third marriages. Knowing you are not alone, however; gives little comfort to those experiencing the harsh reality of divorce.
Anyone going through a divorce must realize there are four aspects of a divorce. I categorize them as the legal, the emotional, the financial, and the final chapter. As a divorce attorney with over 25 years experience I cannot stress enough how each of these stages must be given the appropriate time and attention. Your attorney can help guide you through the process; however, one must seek the help and expertise of other professionals as well. Your attorney is not a therapist; and the court cannot heal your pain, exact revenge, fix your marriage, solve all your problems, or bring your spouse back home. It is a court of law.
Anyone going through a divorce needs the support of a therapist. Especially if there are children involved it is important to deal with whatever anger, or anxiety you are experiencing in therapy so you can effectively co parent. You may be divorcing your spouse but you still are the parents of your children and your lives will remain intertwined.
When it comes to the legal process of divorce itself hire an experienced matrimonial attorney; one who recognizes the financial and emotional devastation divorce can cause and will try and expedite the process and use forms of dispute resolution if possible. Your attorney should be someone you can trust, will advise you of what the law is, and what is in your best interest (not what you want to hear). The more conflict there is the higher the attorney fees. Collaborative law is a revolutionary way to divorce which treats parties with respect and dignity and is solution based rather than adversarial. A divorce does not have to done in a courtroom and that will save you and your spouse money, time, and stress. Many cases can be completed between both attorneys through meetings, discussions and use of financial experts as needed. This is always preferable. However, if your spouse will not cooperate and there is no way to obtain financial information or receive what you are entitled to-- court proceedings must be commenced immediately.
The next stage is the financial and economic aspect of a divorce. This is very challenging. Think about it logically there is only one pie and if it is cut up it is no longer a whole pie. Even if you get half or more than half it is still not whole. In addition, the same assets and income has to support two households. An attorney who sees the entire picture and works with a financial planner, accountant, or other financial experts can help minimize the losses and create a settlement that will be most beneficial.
The last stage of divorce, the final chapter, is what I call the “the happily ever after.” If you are in the throes of a divorce this may seem like an impossibility. I assure you it is not. Your marriage may have died but you haven’t. It is a fresh start and who knows where it will lead.
- Anne-Louise Depalo
